I used to be so sure, you know? I had it all planned out: everything I wanted to say and do, what I needed to make happen so I could just get this whole thing over with already.

But yesterday, someone said something that took nearly a day to sink in. And, now that it has, I am completely, utterly at a loss as to what I’m going to do now.

It doesn’t help that the UPCAT’s tomorrow. But I digress.

Anyway, here’s the problem. Thinking back to what my friend told me last night, she had a very good point.

I used to think that this was something I was absolutely going to make happen. I’d tell myself, this was it, now or never. I had this great plan, and it seemed like it was a better and better idea every day, you know?

But now… I’m not so sure. Part of me wants to stick to the plan, and, on some level, all of me thinks it’s a good idea. But now there’s this other half, saying, is it really worth it? Is this really worth going to all the trouble I’ve gone to already, and possibly going through even more trouble? I–I don’t know.

It’s like the ‘new thought’ half is telling me to just let it go, because it’s a waste of time and I’ve been an idiot for not believing it sooner. And, well… on some level, all of me thinks it’s a good idea too.

I just–I have no idea right now. I’m going crazy trying to figure out what to do, where I go from here. The rose-tinted glasses are off now.

And I’m seeing two different things. Which image do I choose?

Damn it. This JUST had to come up two days before UPCAT.

I blame you for this, you know. You and your emotional turmoil-causing tendencies.

)

REALLY partial.

Cookies, cupcakes, cakes, ensaymada (particularly Quickmelt), as long as you give me something good I’ll think you’re awesome.

Hopefully these things will gain me some weight too.

My idle thoughts–and admittedly a good deal of my non-idle ones as well–stray to you.

I can’t help but wonder where you are, or what you’re doing, all the time.

I don’t like it.

I don’t like not having full control of my mental faculties. I don’t like being so hung up on you, anxiously waiting for word from you. I don’t like all the stress this is causing me, because it’s really not helping.

And last but definitely not least, I really don’t like being this mushy.

I don’t even know why I’m weird like this, actually.

I don’t know why you come to mind more easily than pretty much anyone else I know.

I don’t know why it’s so important to me that I don’t screw things up where you’re involved.

But what I do know is this:

I want to get to know you better.

I want to spend more time with you.

I want to see you smile and laugh. Because the mere thought of it brings a smile to my face.

I want to make myself as special to you as you (damn it) already are to me. Though this is really just me being optimistic, I guess.

I want to not feel… alone anymore, and well, something’s telling me you can help me with that.

I’m going to tell you all this myself someday, you know?

Because these things have gone unsaid for way too long, and I would greatly appreciate any closure I can get here.

And I don’t want to regret.

…ah, damn. This sounded a lot less depressing in my head, haha.

But I digress. As long as I can tell you all these things, then that’s okay with me, and I can walk away with a smile on my face.

A weight in my heart, maybe, but a smile on my face nonetheless.

…wait, damnit! There I go sounding emo again!

Just… I dunno, I just hope you remember what I’ve said. Whatever you want to do now is fine with me.

Marianas Trench = awesome.

• I’ve been playing Pokemon again (first I played Emerald again on my iPod, then I went and bought Platinum)
• I find myself reading fics again (including, heaven forbid, a Naruto fic)
• I’m listening to Eraserheads again–a lot (something I can’t remember doing possibly since first year)
• I’m staying up past four in the morning again (making me miss out on breakfast, sadly)
• And, last but definitely not least, I find myself wanting to remain like this for quite a long time–at least until the end of summer.

While I don’t mind listening to one of my favorite bands again, the rest of this can’t possibly be good for me. This is also a really, really bad time for this to happen, what with having to worry about college, among other things. Plus, I could be sorta driving around by now, but sadly I seem to be a bit too, er, preoccupied.

And I’m really starting to miss breakfast, too.

Fully Booked celebrates FREE COMIC BOOK DAY on May 23, 2009. Come to Fully Booked and get a comic book absolutely FREE!
No need to buy anything!

Plus all graphic novels will be 20% OFF!

Initial reaction: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Second reaction: Anyone wanna go? It’s a Saturday, in case you were wondering. Time for everyone to get their own copy of Watchmen!

It wasn’t his hat, actually. His dad had put it down when he was taking a closer look at the sword, and had forgotten to put it back on when they finally left the store. He had to get that hat back, though—bad things always happened to him whenever his dad forgot something.

As he finally found himself standing outside the store, panting heavily, he thought, at least I’ve got this really neat sword now. Sure, I’m not really going to use it, but it looks awesome, and even my dad had fun playing with it. Great stress relief, I bet. Having caught his breath, he stepped inside the store and scanned the area for the hat, finding it on a nearby table. He took the hat and walked out of the store—

“Excuse me, but could I please borrow your hat? It’s reeaaally important.”

She was slightly shorter than him, wore the kind of clothes you would expect to see on someone doing a fair bit of running (which was what she had been doing before she stopped in front of him), was tanned and pretty—and she’s nineteen. Wait, how do I know that? Wait again, she was asking me something—

“Uh… sure, I guess. Mind telling me what you need it for?”

“Um, track meet. I’d like you to watch if you’re not doing in the next couple of hours.”

His best friend groggily opened the door. “Hey,” she mumbled, “what’s up?”

“Eh, lent my hat, and I need to get it back. Wanna come with me?”

“Yeah, okay. The others won’t be back ‘til later, anyway. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see. Just follow me,” he said as he took the now-awake girl’s hand, failing to notice the blush that suffused her cheeks.

Uh, what just happened? They both thought to themselves.

He’s just my friend… right? She bit her lip.

She’s just my friend… right? He scratched his head.

Suddenly remembering what he was there for, he kept an eye out for the girl with his dad’s hat, and found her waving at him.

Noticing that the sun was already up, I checked my iPod and saw that it was just half past seven—way too early to be up.

I wonder what that was all about, I thought to myself as I staggered to the bathroom.

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these, or had the time and dedication to keep it running. Hopefully I won’t run out of either anytime soon.

I made this because… I dunno. I guess I just need somewhere to put things so I don’t forget them, and a place to put things so I don’t have to keep repeating myself to people. Things have changed since the last time I kept a blog, y’see.

Older? Definitely.

Wiser? Probably not.

Just keep this quiet, okay?